Man, Do I Have ISSUES!!!

For the last couple of years, I have let life happen to me instead of being responsible for trusting God and setting forth on the course I know I am supposed to follow.  And it was always someone else's fault if I was not skinny enough, happy enough, etc., etc .But  I woke one morning a few months ago and decided that I know what I want out of life and that it was time that I took back my life and went after it!!!!

Now, that sounds all good and wonderful, but let me tell you, digging through the muck that I have created for myself has been very difficult.  It's hard to take a long, hard, honest look at yourself, but I have been trying to work on it for months.  And now, I see what the real problem is- I am insecure.  I am insecure about the way I look, the amount of intelligence I have, the groceries I put in my house, the gas I choose for my car.....You name it, I am probably insecure about it.  I don't put this out there so people can say, "Oh Jenn, you are wonderful!" because actually I know I am pretty darn good thing.  I am writing because I am truly trying to get past this, and I want to use this forum to hold myself accountable.  You see, I've hurt some people with my insecurities and I don't want that to ever happen again.

You see, the root of my insecurity seems to lie with trust.  Do I trust you enough to put my faith in you?  Do I trust MYSELF enough to make my own choices even if everyone doesn't agree with me?  This is hard for me.  When you don't trust yourself to choose the right toilet paper, how do you trust yourself to make major life decisions, or trust someone's intentions, or step out on faith?

This is my conclusion- YOU JUST DO IT!!!  Life is not easy and no one ever promised us it would be.   Not everything works out, but some things turn out even better than we could have hoped for.  So I have decided to fight every protective, insecure instinct in my body and trust.  I trust that I am a good person.  I trust that you won't let me down.  I trust that when faced with major decisions, I CAN make a good choice.  I trust those most important to me will wait this out with me and help me over this hurdle.  I trust that I can choose a movie BOTH of my kids will like :). 

The point is, nothing wonderful ever happened to anyone who didn't step out on faith and trust in some thing or some one.There are times in life where no amount of reassurance is going to make it any easier to get to the place you are after.  YOU  DO IT ANYWAY!  And I KNOW something wonderful is waiting around the corner for me!  I TRUST my gut and that's what it tells me.  I am going to fall down every once and awhile and there are going to be moments when I want nothing more than for someone to blow smoke up my butt and reassure me of my wonderfulness.  But as of this moment, I am letting go!!!  So have a little patience with me, because I'm going to TRUST that God knows where he wants me to land!