Man, Do I Have ISSUES!!!

For the last couple of years, I have let life happen to me instead of being responsible for trusting God and setting forth on the course I know I am supposed to follow.  And it was always someone else's fault if I was not skinny enough, happy enough, etc., etc .But  I woke one morning a few months ago and decided that I know what I want out of life and that it was time that I took back my life and went after it!!!!

Now, that sounds all good and wonderful, but let me tell you, digging through the muck that I have created for myself has been very difficult.  It's hard to take a long, hard, honest look at yourself, but I have been trying to work on it for months.  And now, I see what the real problem is- I am insecure.  I am insecure about the way I look, the amount of intelligence I have, the groceries I put in my house, the gas I choose for my car.....You name it, I am probably insecure about it.  I don't put this out there so people can say, "Oh Jenn, you are wonderful!" because actually I know I am pretty darn good thing.  I am writing because I am truly trying to get past this, and I want to use this forum to hold myself accountable.  You see, I've hurt some people with my insecurities and I don't want that to ever happen again.

You see, the root of my insecurity seems to lie with trust.  Do I trust you enough to put my faith in you?  Do I trust MYSELF enough to make my own choices even if everyone doesn't agree with me?  This is hard for me.  When you don't trust yourself to choose the right toilet paper, how do you trust yourself to make major life decisions, or trust someone's intentions, or step out on faith?

This is my conclusion- YOU JUST DO IT!!!  Life is not easy and no one ever promised us it would be.   Not everything works out, but some things turn out even better than we could have hoped for.  So I have decided to fight every protective, insecure instinct in my body and trust.  I trust that I am a good person.  I trust that you won't let me down.  I trust that when faced with major decisions, I CAN make a good choice.  I trust those most important to me will wait this out with me and help me over this hurdle.  I trust that I can choose a movie BOTH of my kids will like :). 

The point is, nothing wonderful ever happened to anyone who didn't step out on faith and trust in some thing or some one.There are times in life where no amount of reassurance is going to make it any easier to get to the place you are after.  YOU  DO IT ANYWAY!  And I KNOW something wonderful is waiting around the corner for me!  I TRUST my gut and that's what it tells me.  I am going to fall down every once and awhile and there are going to be moments when I want nothing more than for someone to blow smoke up my butt and reassure me of my wonderfulness.  But as of this moment, I am letting go!!!  So have a little patience with me, because I'm going to TRUST that God knows where he wants me to land!

The Jukebox at Waffle House

Traveling home from Georgia today, we stopped at the Waffle House for lunch.  All the Graingers are big fans of WH, but I particularly love the jukebox.  It is so interesting to hear all the random music that people choose.  Today, the Jackson 5's "I Want You Back" came on and has been stuck in my head ever since.  So, I thought I would share it with all of you just because.  And to the person who picked the song, thanks.  It put a smile on my face!

Good Intentions

The kids and I took off on Thursday for our first trip of the summer- a quick 5 hour ride to see my sister and her family in Georgia.  We planned the trip at this time for 2 reasons:  #1 it was the only weekend that worked for both of us and #2 it coincided with Father's Day.  Since I like to make sure my children honor their father on Father's Day, I thought this would be perfect because we could stop in Columbia and have lunch with the Ex. 

As I loaded the car on Thursday, I was very proud of myself- everyone was packed, I had a" bag o fun" to keep the kids entertained, and snacks so I wouldn't blow the bank on fast food and gas station snacks.  Half way out of town it hit me....THE KIDS DO NOT HAVE A GIFT TO GIVE THEIR FATHER FOR FATHER'S DAY!!!  Crap!  This whole trip was planned around the kids getting to be with him and they have no gift! So, I regrouped, pointed the car toward WalMart, and made a pit stop.

After about 10 minutes of searching the aisles, the kids decided on a plaster cast mold to make a plaque for their Dad.  Great, I thought, we will make this at my sister's and all will be well.  I should have known it would not be that simple.

First off, neither of the kids actually wanted to take the time to make the casts in the molds.  So Mom mixed the plaster, set the molds, and waited impatiently for them to dry.  By this morning the molds were ready.  We had some plans for the day but we could finish them tonight.   Jump forward about 6 hours.  Hope and I are trying to put a handprint on her casting- we break it.  Damnit!  It's ok, there is still another, both kids can decorate that one together and we will be back on track.  Of course Young Son did not like that idea but after about 10 minutes of fighting, he gave in and decorated his half.  Forty  minutes later we had a Father's Day present.  Or so I thought.

10 minutes later, my son comes and informs me that the corner of the plaque has mysteriously broken off.  CRAP!!!  I try glue, I try hot glue, I try prayer and nothing, I mean NOTHING will hold that corner on this plaque, stepping stone, homemade Father's Day present-whatever it is.  In a moment of anger, realizing that I would not be able to fix the gift, I broke the other corner off.  Then it came to me...There is a heart in the middle of this thing and my kids have each painted a half.   I carefully began breaking away the plaster until all that was left was the heart.

Y'all, I wish I had a picture of this thing, but it is truly hideous.  Even my son doesn't want to give it to his Dad and he LOVES to make "creative" homemade presents. Still,  I carefully wrapped the heart up and put it in the back of my car, then proceeded to go down the street and buy the Ex a candy jar filled with his favorite candy.  Is this a nice gift?  I guess.  Is this a creative gift?  No, not really.  Does this gift portray any sentiment at all?  NO WAY!!!  And I am feeling bad because Baby Daddy really is a good father and deserves a good gift.  So, from the bottom of my heart....I'm sorry Jeremy.  I tried.  But I am not crafty nor domestic.  So you are getting this crappy jar of candy but please remember- your children love you and I appreciate all that you do to make them happy.

PS- I had to take a picture. It's just too priceless :$

What's the Deal with Pinterest??

Alright, I admit it.  I am not one of those southern bell girly girls.  I like my jeans, tshirts and flip flops, with a ponytail in my hair MUCH more than a fancy dress and make-up.  Now don't get me wrong, on occasion I do like to dress up, and certaily I make sure I am presentable for work, but for the most part, I go for comfort. I also like for things in my life to be easy.  I am a fairly high strung person anyway, so I try very hard not to add additional stress to my life.  I  like my house lived in and my party's spur of the moment and fun.  So, maybe, just maybe, that is why I don't get this whole Pinterest thing.  Pinterest is a cool website and I might be inclined to use it to find fun party favors to make for a birthday, or a cool recipe to serve to friends, but to sit hour upon hour and "pin" things I like to a board so other people can see???  I hope I don't offend anyone, but I simply do not get the point.  If you like the clothes so much, why not go BUY them and  let people see them on you???  If you want the ring from your significant other, SHOW it to them, don't post it on your fashion board.

And what about the crafts?  If you make something really cool that you are proud of, I can certainly see posting a picture on FB or even Pinterest.  But to post pics of things you like but will probably NEVER make?  Why waste the time?

I think my whole problem with Pinterest is that it is just one more way in which we are taking conversation and face time out of our society.  Instead of going to a craft store with a friend to figure out what you want or need for the perfect flower arrangement, we post a picture on Pinterest.  Instead of spending a day strolling the streets of Charleston window shopping, we "pin" pictures from online stores of things we might like to have one day- and then we comment on them.  Oh, and don't even get me started on following people on Pinterest.  I MIGHT be interested in following someone who has actually MADE some of these things, but I 'm sorry people, I barely have time to check my email and write this blog, much less look through your posts.

So, I think Pinterest baffles me because other than using it for a reference, I really don't understand why people spend hours creating these pin boards.  Maybe it because I like to talk and to actually be with people.  OR maybe I am just missing that girly female gene thatmakes you wants to sit and look at all the pretty things I can't afford but would like to have.  Who knows?  All I know for sure is that you will never see a pin board from me on Pinterest.  And if you DO, please call to check on me because I have probably been abducted by aliens!

PS- I REALLY don't get guys who have pin boards on Pinterest.  I won't even get started on that!

***Thank you Pinterest for the use of your logo for this post***

That Mom in the Bikini

On Thursday, I loaded up the kids and some good friends from Blythewood and headed out to the beach.  We were going to go to Folly Beach, but it was high tide and as many of you know, there is no beach to be had at Folly at high tide.  So, I directed the car to my FAVORITE beach- Kiawah.  I love Kiawah becasue it holds a lot of good memories for me but also because of the lifeguards at Beachwalker Park.  I simply feel safer knowing there are other eyes on my children.  Anyway, on to the point of the story....

For the past several years, since I had children, I have been a bit overweight.  Not obese, just had some pounds I wanted to lose.  This past winter I managed to lose a whopping 20 pounds!!!!! And, yes, I am very proud of myself!  I told myself that when I lost the weight, I was going to buy a bathing suit that I loved and that it was going to be a bikini.  I am now the proud owner of a modest, yet cute, black bikini.

Anyway, we get to the beach, schlep all the coolers, toys, towels, etc. out to our spot and set up camp.  The kids already had sunscreen on so they headed straight for the tide pools until Mom could get sunscreen on and take them out in the water.  I took off my cover-up, put on a bottle of sunscreen, and headed for the ocean.  I was feeling really good- 38 years old, mother of 2, WEARING a bikini.  Then it hit me....OMG, am I THAT mom in the bikini that everyone is secretly laughing at?  You know the one I am talking about.  The woman who so obviously doesn't realize her friendship with bikinis is over??  What if I was that woman????  I stayed in the water with the children, but now feeling self conscious.  Would every eye be on my cellulite as I walked up the beach to take a break in the sun?  Then, something occurred to me.....I REALLY didn't care what anybody on that beach thought.  No, I am not 22 with a size 2 body, but I am fit, I worked hard to lose my weight, and darnit, I am going to enjoy it. 

You see, I have spent much of my life worrying about what other people think of me, always secretly worrying that they don't approve of my choices.  Well guess what?  I don't care anymore!!!  I love who I am becoming and that is all that matters.  In this life, I need to love God, love my children and LOVE MYSELF!!!!  So to all you ladies out there that worry everytime you have to donn the dreaded bathing suit, I say, "Love yourself!  Love your body!  Rock the bikini like it's nobody's business!!!"

Ok, now, your turn to talk....Let me know your feelings about moms and bikinis, going to the beach, or our obsession with body image.  I can't wait to see your feedback!

State of Mind

Do you remember that song by Clint Black called "State of Mind"?  I don't think anyone really knew it by that name, but rather, by it's chorus-"Ain't it funny how a melody can bring back a memory, take you to another place in time, completely change your state of mind?" Those words have been running through my head today, as I heard a song that took me back to another place in time.  For that one moment, while I listened to the lyrics, I really was transported back in time to a very fond memory.

The mind is a strange and complex thing and I am greatly intrigued by it.  I find it fascinating that songs and smells can bring memories flooding back that you had long since forgotten.  I love it when the memory is good, but if it is not so good, it always seems like the words get stuck in my head  and I am left to ponder the memory for quite some time.

Looking back, I can pinpoint a few songs that have meaning for me: "Losing My Religion" by REM, "Something in the Way She Moves" by James Taylor, and a song my children's father wrote, "Hard Left" by Jeremy Grainger.  I think these songs contain meaning for me because they are associated with times of great change in my life- some good, and some not so good.


This got me to thinking....instead of letting some song become attached to this stage in my life randomly, why don't I CHOOSE a theme song for this new stage in my life.  I am kicking a few around but one that really sticks out to me right now is "Good Love is on the Way" by John Mayer.  I think it portrays some of what I am hoping for for myself and for my children.

You see, these two beautiful people have been through a lot in the past several years, and I want NOTHING but love and goodness for them from here on out.  They deserve it.  Heck, I think all of us deserve a little "good love".

So, my question for you today is:  What song brings back a memory for you and why?  OR, if you could pick my new theme song, what would it be?  I'm interested to hear your suggestions.

PS- I've added the videos for the 3 songs I mentioned as new posts.  Someone needs to show me how to embed them into a post :)

James Taylor Something in the Way she Moves Charlottesville

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion (Video)

Not Just a Mom

Recently I have realized that I don't really have any hobbies or interests of my own.  Maybe you know how it is- take the kids to school, go to work, pick the kids up, take the kids to their after school activities, make dinner, eat dinner, baths, family time and if I'm LUCKY, fall asleep in my own bed with no children on top of me.

Don't get me wrong, I love my children and I like nothing more than spending time with them, but recently I've been wondering where I have gone.  Where is the old Jenn who liked to write and grow plants and hit the beach on a whim?  Obviously, as a single mom, I have definitely changed.  I have decided, though, that being a mom is not all that I am.  So, having been inspired by a friend and an acquaintance who are fantastic bloggers, I am going to give this a try  and see if it adds another level of fulfillment to my life.

Alright, hang on tight, as I jump in with both feet and write about my family, job, politics, pedicures- whatever moves me.  And maybe, somewhere along the way, I might inspire someone myself.