Thursday, February 28, 2013

UGH!!!! OR Man, I Feel Better!!!!










I'm sitting here at my computer, trying to think of something witty or meaningful to write about, but the truth is I am in a somewhat foul mood.  So all the things that are coming to my head are not very nice.  And I am sure you don't want to hear me rant.  Well, I'm not going to rant, I am just going to make a Top Ten list. 


Top Ten Things That Irritate Me

1.  Insecure people who try to show you up so they can feel better about themselves.
2.  Selfish people who never do anything that is not in their best interest.
3 .Liars
4. Knowing someone's lies and deceptions and not sharing them- either because the person needs to figure things out for themselves or because it's really not my business or often because I don't want someone to be hurt.
5. Unpainted toenails
6.  People who are wishy-washy.
7. Missing someone
8. Being selfish- MY selfishness
9. The smell of clothes that have stayed in the washer too long.
10.  Being the "Bigger" person.

WOW!!!! I know that was not necessarily a fun list to read, but writing it down sure did make me feel better!  After Baby Daddy left when the kids were very small, I sought out the help of a Christian Counselor so I could make some sense of my life.  Her very first suggestion was for me to write down every thought I had that  was troublesome.  You see, she explained to me that although there were things I wanted to say to Baby Daddy- it was probably best to keep them to myself.  But keeping them locked inside me was a bad  option too.  So, she told me to write it down on paper because getting it out of my heart would help me.  She was right then and she is right now.  Still, I am always amazed how putting feelings onto paper- or a computer screen- makes me feel so much better.

You see, my Top Ten List are things I have been dealing with this week.  Some of them are a little silly and others are more serious.  When they are all jumbled up in my head, they feel like a load I might buckle under.  But when I put them out in a list like this, I can see that it's really not so bad.  The insecure person- that's her problem, not mine and now that I think of the situation, it makes me laugh.  Liars- can't change that either.  That's a change that person has to make.  All I have to do is remember where it is and isn't safe to put my trust.  Painted toenails- that will be cured Saturday morning :) and the missing someone......let's see about that one.  That one is a little more complicated, but at least I know it won't be TOO long before I see that person again.

Life is full of irritations.  Some are giants and others are as small as a gnat.  And we all have them.  How we treat one another in times of stress or irritation is really what it is all about though.  Just like my counselor said, Baby Daddy didn't need to hear all the hurtful, hateful things I wanted to say.  It wouldn't have made a difference,  And in our day to day life, sharing the "ugly" in our hearts won't make a difference either.  Kindness, compassion and love go much further than accusations, insults and deception. 

Whew!  I'm glad to get all that off my chest!  When I sat down to write, I had no idea where this post was headed except that y'all were going to be a captive audience to my grumblings.  Now I see that God was reminding me of the person I want to be, and how, in actuality, my problems are very small in comparison to others.  All I can do in a day is be the very best ME I can be.  All the rest, well, it will take care of itself in time.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Some Dirty Kids OR Domestic Bliss

Those of you who know me know that I am NO Domestic Diva.  I hate to cook, my house is always at least semi-messy and I have more laundry to do than the Brady Bunch. Although I enjoy the feel and smell of fresh clean sheets, the way pressed pants look on a hanger- and then on me- and how nice the floors look all swept and mopped, I take no joy in making these things happen.  I wish that I did, but I just don't.  When I should be cleaning, I would rather be reading a book, watching my new favorite show, Nashville, playing with my kids, napping, hanging with friends....well, I would just about rather be doing anything but domestic chores.

When I was little, I had chores that were mine to do- clean my room, clean the bathroom weekly, and clean the kitchen on the nights I was told to. But even as a child, I did these things very begrudgingly.  Since this has been my feeling for most of my life, I have come to one conclusion about myself- I am missing the domestic gene.  I  just don't have it.  Or maybe I should say that I only have PART of it.  You see, I like to make dinner on occasion, but I hate to do the dishes.  I love to wash and dry clothes, but I hate to fold them and put them away.  Any domestic chore that has two sides to it, you can bet I like or love one and hate the other.  Because of this, I struggle on a pretty constant basis to keep my family neat, orderly and in ship shape.



I recently told someone that I didn't really like "domestic bliss"- all those wifey, womanly things we women are supposed to do in order to create a happy, healthy home.  I got to thinking about it later, though, and I realized, I may not like traditional domestic bliss, but I sure do like MY version!

You see, in my version of bliss, my kids and I paint ourselves with paint, just because it is fun.  We play in water outside when it's too cold because we want to see how fast the water runs down the driveway.  I skip doing laundry so I can have popcorn and watch a movie with my kids or go to downtown Charleston or the beach and enjoy a beautiful day.  I might not do the dishes so we can go to the pool, play with friends, hang out with Nana, or just curl up in the bed together and read books.  I skip finding recipes on Pinterest and order in our favorite pizza.

Now, I know all of these things don't set me up as Domestic Diva of the Year or as June Cleaver, and my children are probably learning better housekeeping skills from their father than me, but I don't really care.  You see, I am creating the life that I want for my kids and myself.  We are creating a life full of love, laughter, memories, and yes, a few dirty dishes.  But hopefully, when my children look back on their childhood, they won't remember that the house was a little messy or that Mom didn't cook.  Hopefully they will remember all of the fun we had together and all of the love we have shared.  Because, in the end, I would rather them remember a wonderful afternoon making a giant mud puddle, than a Sunday afternoon cleaning their rooms.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Raising Your Son to be a Man

As the Primary Custodian of my children, I have them full time expect for two weekends a month.  In most senses, I am both mother and father to my children on a daily basis.  With my daughter, Hope, this works just fine.  She loves her Dad, and enjoys her visits, but she is always happy to be with Mommy.  This is not so much the case with my son.  You see, no matter how good of a job I do of mothering him, he ALWAYS wants his father.  Every day.  Every single day.

Raising a daughter is a challenge, but for single mothers, raising a son can be very daunting.  There is no way we will EVER have enough testosterone to teach our sons how to be good men.  This is why I don't understand women who think they can raise a son without a father or some type of male influence.


I teach school and every day, I see boys who are being raised by single mothers.  Their moms are doing a good job, but these boys are constantly seeking out adult male attention.  They are looking for a role-model who will teach them to be a man.  Now, some of these moms of course would like to have a positive male role model in their son's life, but ALOT of them CHOOSE to be single mothers and keep the fathers at a distance or out of the picture altogether. I simply don't understand this.  I do everything I can to make sure Keifer is surrounded by positive male role-models.  He spends lots of time with my father, he plays on sports teams coached by men, he interacts with men at church, and sees his father as much as possible.  You see, I want Keifer to grow up to be a wonderful man.  I can teach him to be a good person, a moral person who is kind and loving, but I cannot teach him how to be a man.

Keifer and I do lots of things together- we ride bikes, play soccer, watch movies, build with Legos- alot of which would be done with his father if he were here.  I can fill in those kinds of gaps, but I can't teach him the really important inner "things" that make a male a MAN.  You see, I believe that boys, especially, learn by watching and imitating.  Boys need to see men working hard to support their families.  They need to see men treat women in  kind and gentle ways.  They need to see men conquer their fears and dive head first into whatever task needs to be accomplished.  Boys need to see men being strong for their families and loved ones when all they really want to do is sit down and cry. Boys have to see that wonderful combination of love, bravery and toughness that only men exude.

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying that a woman can't raise a family, put bread on the table, mow the lawn and take out the trash- all in one day, and in high heels.  What I am saying is that we, as single mothers, do our sons a disservice if we try to raise them in a female dominated world with little or no meaningful contact with a man who is invested in him.  Even if I weren't living this now, I would have learned it anyway.  You see, my father's father died just months before he was born.  He never had an opportunity to know his father, but my grandmother understood his needs and did her best to have his grandfather, uncle and close family friends invest time and love in him. My father grew up to be a good man.  Now he is teaching Keifer how to be a good man.

So, if there are any men reading this, I encourage you to volunteer in a school, become a Boy's Club mentor, work with the male youth at your church, seek out your wife's single friends and take an interest in their son/s- be a father figure for a boy who does not have one.  And ladies, if you know a mother who is raising a son by herself, encourage her to let the child's father be a part of his life when it is possible; help her find mentors for her son;give her a break from her son;  do whatever it takes to help her raise a wonderful man.  Because ladies, we've all been "done wrong" by a man who was not raised to be a REAL MAN.  You don't want your son or your friend's son to turn out like that- do you?


From Dr. James Dobson-
Though children of all ages, both male and female, have an innate need for contact with their fathers, boys suffer most from the absence or noninvolvement of fathers. According to the National Center for Children in Poverty, boys without fathers are twice as likely to drop out of school, twice as likely to go to jail and nearly four times as likely to need treatment for emotional and behavioral problems as boys with fathers.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

This is for all the Single Moms



Well Friends, I'm back!  I started this blog last summer and really enjoyed writing, but somehow, as much as I enjoyed it, I put it to the side and kind of forgot about it. I've decided now, though, to give it another try.  Here goes nothin'.......

As most of you know, I have been a single mother for about 5 years now.  You would think that after 5 years, I might have gotten better at being a single parent, or that I may have even begun to embrace the challenge- well, WRONG!!!  The truth is, I don't like being a single mother Please DO NOT read that as I don't like being a mother.  I LOVE being a mother. But honestly, without the help of my wonderful parents family and friends, who  knows where my kids and I would be. I have been blessed beyond measure with help and support on this journey as a single parent. I often wonder, though, what it would be like to have a "partner in crime" on this child-rearing rollercoaster.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I think it would have been best for Baby Daddy and I to stay together, but man, would it be nice to have someone else here to take care of the 3 a.m. nightmares or the wet beds that happen RIGHT before it's time to get up.  Being a single parent is hard work.  You are on call 24/7.  The major burden of day to day family life falls straight on the single parent's back.

So, knowing how hard it is to be a single parent, and knowing I am fortunate to have lots of help, I have decided that for Lent, I want to help an organization that works specifically to help single mothers become self-sustainable and to raise emotionally healthy families. My hope is that maybe my experience will help just one person.

Here are a few facts about single mothers:
*There are10 million single moms living with children younger than 18
*50% of single mothers have an income of $25,000 or less
*Only one third of single mothers receive child support and the average amount is $300 per month

Luckily, my situation is better than most single mothers, but I often think about the "what ifs" of this life I lead.  I have great faith in God and know that all of this is in His hands.  If I had to take care of it myself, there's no way it would have turned out as well as it has!

Today, I have a challenge for you.....I challenge each person who reads this blog to seek out a single mother and offer to babysit so she can have a night out; show up at her house with dinner one night; offer to come over to clean and organize (thanks Mimi for all the times you've done that for me); send her a note of encouragement or buy her a cup of coffee.  It doesn't really matter what you do, just let her know she's not alone. In the end, that's all she really wants.

Hold on to your hats for tomorrow's post: Mothers who think boys can be raised without fathers or a significant male role model!